9 unexpectedly great things about life after divorce

I never thought I’d be a divorced single mum by 34. But, with everything else going on, 2020 felt quite a good year to quietly terminate a marriage. If you need proof that I’m on-trend with my life choices, last year divorces were up almost 20 per cent and 2020 could be higher still with experts predicting a ‘post-lockdown divorce boom’. While I’m thriving as a divorcée (doesn’t it just roll off the tongue?), if you’re mid-break-up or facing the uphill struggle of legal paperwork, acrimonious settlement talks and life upheaval, I promise I feel your pain.

Making the decision to separate and subsequently divorce (with a one-year-old son, at the time) was, without doubt, the hardest thing I’ve ever done. That was until I started trying to untangle and separate my life and make it my own again, because doing that, while simultaneously raising a child, earning a living and healing from a lot of trauma, was undoubtedly harder. So, if you’re at the start of the process, mid-split, buried in legal paperwork or generally feeling a bit blue about no longer being an ‘us’, here are some of my favourite things about being divorced. See you on the other side.

1.You'll learn who you really are

The chances are you’ll feel completely lost without your other half at first. But you get to fill the part of your personality they’ve always filled in with whatever you want. Don’t rush into another relationship, take your time and really get to know yourself and reinvent yourself at your own leisure, without trying to conform to anyone else’s expectations. You might even find out you’re pretty spectacular on your own, just as you are.

2. You can now check the ‘Ms’ box on forms

Rumour has it, when it was first introduced, the ‘Ms’ title was mostly used by 'difficult women' who refused to disclose whether they were married or not, nor to be defined by their marital status. And well-behaved women seldom make history, so I’ve heard. Plus, Ms has a mysterious (nay, ms-terious) ring to it, don’t you think?

Julianne Moore as a divorcée in Gloria Bell

3. Prepare to find joy in living alone again

Things are where you left them. Nobody cares if you leave the washing up until tomorrow. There are no wet towels left on the floor (unless you left them there). And that gloomy Sunday it rained all day and you felt too hungover to get dressed and wandered round in pants, a sweatshirt and bed socks all day eating toast and peanut butter? Nobody even knew.

4. You can discover the joys of dating

You might never even have done it (I hadn’t). Now is your time to discover the thrill of dating apps, making eye contact with strangers and saying ‘yes’ to set-me-ups. OK, realistically the apps are hell, but once real-life resumes and you can get out into the world get used to saying ‘yes’ when someone asks you out or offers to buy you a drink. You can now make your married friends jealous with tales of your love affairs with penniless Parisian artists and cocktail dates that end in night-long city walks and watching the sunrise as they debate whether it feels like a Deliveroo or a pizza night. (Spoiler: getting takeaway is still fun once you’re divorced, and you don’t have to share.)

Julia Roberts enjoys her post-divorce romance in Eat Pray Love

5. Let’s talk about sex

While we’re on the topic of dating, let’s touch briefly and discreetly on the topic of sex. Forget everything you knew before. Now is the time to learn what you like and really enjoy exploring your sexuality without judgement or inhibitions.

6. Divorce is funny (eventually)

Yes, it hurts now, and laughing about your situation might feel a long way off, but you won't feel this pained and bereft forever. There will come a time when you'll make jokes about your inability to succeed in a marriage and your plans for marriages two, three and four and make everyone else feel uncomfortable. (Or is just me that does this?)

7. Happy parents make happy children

This is one for the single parents out there. If you thought that children needed a nuclear set-up to thrive in life, prepare to be re-educated. Children need love, security and the occasional dippy egg. You know who is best at delivering love, support, security and perfectly-cooked dippy eggs? Parents who aren’t in unhappy, toxic relationships. Your kids will thrive as long as you do, too.

Bette Midler, Goldie Hawn and Diane Keaton in The First Wives Club

8. You will find out who your friends are (and will make a few more)

The chances are you might lose a few shared friends in the divorce. Others might also drop off and invites from married friends might dry up. Out with old, in with the new. Going through a divorce has made my friendships with my school friends stronger than ever and I’ve picked up the most wonderful crew of single mum friends through the Frolo app, many of whom are fellow glamorous divorcée-types.

9. You will emerge stronger and wiser

Before I got divorced, everything had followed the life script I’d written for myself. Once everything fell apart and I picked myself up, brushed myself off and built a bigger, brighter, happier life for myself I realised that there is no need to be afraid of failure. It will be the making of you.

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